Prose - I love you

I hate you; you’ve poisoned this world for me. Every moment since, has been a moment filled with agony, with loss.


Every single fucking second of my existence is now a chasm, void of light, laughter and hope.


Before you, my life was bleak; it was in fact a dreary monotonous drudge of an existence. It was grey, and lacked flavour, it was in fact what at the time I would have described as lacking anything vital. I existed but I did not live.


Then you arrived, and you brought laughter, and hope, you brought a magnificent pulsating edge of vibrant life, and you gifted it to me. I spent hours, mindlessly and inexplicably happy. Your smile could make my day, your laugh lift my spirits, hearing you snore make me feel secure. My life was filled from your exuberance with whimsy and joy.


It burned then, with passion, with need with desire. I longed for you, and I allowed myself to need. With my need came hope. It was a small and fragile thing, tempered with my own misgivings, flawed with my own insecurities. But it grew, and you dashed it and re-forged it stronger and brighter and sharper.


You made me hope, you allowed me to hope. You owned me, and I was consumed in us. I could abandon loneliness and exist beyond myself, exist within us, our life. You made me want to be more; I wanted to be a better man for you. I saw myself growing, I saw myself being someone worthy of having this love.


Then you died. My life was no longer vivid, and it could never again be greyscale. It was and is now only the absence. A void, what’s missing is you, what’s missing is hope.


I hate you because you left me. You left me and you took all the colour, and all the hope, you took the future with you. I’ll never forgive you for being the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ll never forgive you for being the woman who I dream about every night. I’ll never forgive you, because I love you.


I hate you.

More Penis than I really want ...

Ok for some reason, I'm talking about Penis again..

I was reading Nathan Emmerich (@BioethicsUK) piece he just linked too and immediately felt the need to vent.

He starts out by stating:
One aspect of the German court’s ruling is that circumcision is, somehow, tantamount to allowing individuals other than the child to determine his religion and, therefore, denies the child the right to choose their own religion.
Which is a notion that causes me to desire a 3rd hand so I could triple facepalm. I follow the point that yes children/infants lack the autonomy and possibly the capacity to make these decisions for themselves, and even as an atheist I can see the value in being raised within a strong cultural surrounding and the feeling of belonging which that can bring. But there's a difference between raising a child with a set of beliefs that they can later challenge through vigorous thought and debate, raising a child with more material cultural traits forms of dress or grooming for example which again as a free agent later in life those raised in these cultures can cast away, and raising a child in a culture which mutilates the genitalia of it's infants.


He continues:
What we can, I think, say is that male circumcision causes very little harm and certainly causes nothing like the harm that female genital mutilation causes.


Fuck that, fuck that right there, the fictitious FLAMING TREVOR religion of Africa plucks out both eyes of all females, however the global religion of the WETNWILD WILFREDS only plucks out one eye of all males while infant ... should we excuse the WILFREDS? Is it not quite as bad so should we be content to just let shit be? Underselling the deaths, the complications, and even in the perfect procedure the FORCED removal of nerve endings in the genetalia of infants for any reason because others have it worse is beyond inane.

He wraps it all up with:
in the spirit of mutual respect we should embrace the contemporary moral diversity and the traditions that constitute it. If that means tolerating circumcision or, rather, not being intolerant of those whose traditional cultural and religious practices include circumcision - a relatively harmless practice - 


We don't espouse freedom of religion and moral relativism when it's backing up something ethically repugnant such as cannibalism. Fuck respect when it ends in the condoning of any abuse. Parents signing their children up for elective surgery to amputate any part of their anatomy for any reason non-medical is abuse, and religious loop-holes need to be sealed shut. I applaud Germany, for taking a progressive stance on a practice all too easily brushed under the rug, we must stop condoning this shit just because it's common, or for fear of being labelled anti-Semitic.

As I stated yesterday figures show 117 male infants died last year in the United States due to complications with this easy and quick unnecessary procedure. FUCK that .. and fuck anyone refusing to be objective when looking at this.

Merkel fears Foreskin backlash from Jewish community.

“I do not want Germany to be the only country in the world in which Jews cannot practise their rites,” Merkel is quoted as saying “Otherwise we would make ourselves a laughing stock among nations.”

Obviously, historically speaking the German nation has reason to be touchy about being attacked for showing anti-Semitism, but in this case the German people can be proud of their human rights stance. Backing down now over fears of blatantly false accusations shows nothing but a lack of resolve and metal when actively pushing forward a progressive and much needed stance on Human rights.

Following is a post I wrote on male circumcision over a year ago, yet as with all ethical subjects, the base argument holds throughout the test of time to still remain valid.

Posted   Saturday, 7 May 2011 at 12:37

So I’m going to preface this with a disclaimer that nothing I say below is directed to anyone that I know, so if I upset anyone it’s completely unintentionally. But I would ask that if something I say raises your hackles, please examine your beliefs, examine why you believe them; ultimately if you’re still pissed talk to me about it.

So what’s pissing me off, basically it’s something close to my heart ... my penis; or at least the penis as a whole, and the routine unnecessary mutilation of the male genetalia. Male genital mutilation is generally known as circumcision, and this is where I lose all my support with most of the world.  Because it’s simply accepted, in fact not only is it an accepted societal norm in America (suggested figures of 70% are not at the high end of the estimates) and at around 30% worldwide. I’m discussing the generally accepted means of male circumcision here, not some weird out there crazy remove the entire penis thing, I’m pissed about the removal of foreskin.

I try to keep informed on matters of Medical Ethics, I’m into it ... so when this cropped up "Now a Dead Link" (The death of a 2yr old boy Jamaal Coleson Jr in the U.S. who died during complications arising through circumcision), I obviously jumped all over it. Especially in the current climate where there is a motion in California to ban all circumcision without consent of the individual being circumcised. Effectively banning all infant circumcision, the outcry from parents pissed about infringements on their right to choose has been ridiculous.

I flat out reject ANY religious reasoning, the idea that a divine mandate exists to get men to offer up their foreskins to god is archaic nonsense. In what civilized country would any Medical professional allow a parent to make the decision to AMPUTATE a part of their child for religious reasons. Well pretty much everywhere. It’s a disgusting loophole within our system that needs closing immediately.

So what about the basic reasoning as to why we should permit this to continue, well the arguments are generally as follows.

1. The foreskin is redundant it serves no purpose. –Bullshit, total and utter bullshit. The foreskin contains over 20,000 sexually receptive nerve endings, to remove it removes a distinct part of the male sexual experience, it is the MOST sensitive part of the penis and it holds virtually ALL of the fine-touch nerve receptors within the penis. The foreskin also provides a protective covering for the glans and the glide mechanism.
2.  Aesthetics. It looks better, females find it more attractive.-- FUCK THAT, men find big boobs attractive that doesn't mean all infant females should have implants. If the societal norm called for females to only have 2 fingers on their left hands because it was pretty how many would be signing their kids up for digit removal.
3. Cleanliness. Good parents DO NOT CUT OFF BITS because you can’t teach your children how to use SOAP.

Within the US there are NO other non-medically necessary infant amputative surgeries allowed purely on the say so of the parent. You can’t elect to have your child’s tonsils removed, nor their appendix.

So what makes circumcision so medically compelling to allow.

One of the major grounds put forth is the idea that it cuts down on the risk of penile cancer, .. well obviously if you REMOVE something you can’t get cancer in it. Penile cancer is less common than male breast cancer, but infant males aren’t subjected to double mastectomies.

The next medical reason often cited specifically in the States is that it helps cut down on HIV/Aids infection, but there is no clear correlation of this when comparing the US to Europe, Europe having about 1/5 of the number of circumcisions and about a 10 times lower rate of HIV infection. Within Africa where this is being argued hard as a means of dealing with the tragic infection numbers, results are even more confusing, Cameroon, Rwanda, Lesotho, Malawi, Tanzania, Ghana and Swaziland all show higher HIV rates in the circumcised, while Ethiopia, Cote d’Ivoire, Uganda, Burkina Faso and Kenya show the exact opposite. Leading me to generally dismiss the entire notion until some definitive correlation is drawn.

My medical facts. Complications can happen IN EVERY medical procedure, the rates of these complications are widely speculated about. But figures show 117 male infants died last year in the United States due to complications with this easy and quick unnecessary procedure.

So if you’re a female and you like dick nice and circumcised, well done you’re perpetuating a disgusting abuse and mutilation of the male gender. If you’re having kids and want your son to look like his daddy, PLEASE reconsider. Abusing further generations because it’s been done in previous generations is at best lazy, at worst the willing perpetuation of a cycle of abuse for nothing more than the shallowest of reasons. If you’re a male and you’ve been circumcised and you think this is all out of proportion because you “work fine” I’m sorry that you never got to experience what it was meant to be like for you, but don’t let your vanity and pride take that opportunity away from your sons. If they want a circumcision when they’re old enough to know what it means, and old enough to know what they’d be losing AND risking then that’s their choice, please don’t make it for them.

An Initial Inane Ramble.

So life is odd.




I’m rapidly approaching my thirty-first (31) birthday and my life is not what I expected it to be, by a long shot. I’m not even talking about it not living up to the hype, or the youthful dreams of glory and wealth. Instead I’m talking about still having absolutely no idea of what direction it is taking, what shape it is forming into.


Sure I can say my life is disappointing, but considering I tried and clearly failed to commit suicide at 19, I have achieved things since then. I’ve lived in a foreign country, been engaged twice, I was in a 5 year long relationship with a woman I adored, returned to school, received praised and media attention for my A-Level results, went to university and didn’t leave until I had bachelors in Law and Philosophy (2:1), completing a Masters in Law and the Post Graduate Diploma (Commendations) needed to practice law in the U.K. I made a ton of friends. I loved and I lost.


But on the other end of this fantastic journey that I had no hope of having when I was still
mired in my teens, I’m living at home, with little prospects, little social life and staring down the barrel of hopelessness again. I’ve lived my entire adult life with depression and agoraphobia. At my worst I find it hard to step outside my home, sometimes my bedroom because of the panic and anxiety coming into contact even with my own family can cause. At my best I have stood in front of a lecture theatre filled with 500 people, given speeches and won student body elections based on my performance.


Despite being tipped for big things, and achieving academically all along my student years, the law career simply never happened. I applied, and applied, and applied for every job that even looked like an in into a legal career and despite interviews going well and C.V’s being well received, no one took the chance. I still apply, they still don’t jump. On a more personal note the love of my University days, craved freedom rather than the constraints of a relationship and the friends I made, went out into the world and scattered forging their own paths.


I’m crippled with indecision, with the financial burdens of Post-Graduate education, and with the encircling certainty that somewhere along the road I’ve just plain fucked up through that indecision way too often to drag it all back.
I’m the oldest of 3 siblings, and my Dad was 21 when I was born. Ten years further along a journey I know ends only one way, I feel a million miles away from that existence.


So why am I writing, I’m hoping that as I ramble I become entrenched in an idea, a notion, a plan of action. Whether it be of my own devising or someone else’s I don’t care. But the last time my life was so listless, I wrote. I wrote constantly. It lead me to education. The last time I was happy, at University, I was writing constantly.


The more I delve into my own mindset, the more I explore my thoughts and feelings on the world, the more I care about what is happening around me, the more I engage. I need to engage again.


Aristotle famously said that all paid work absorbs and degrades the mind. Well my mind is pretty much unsullied, I wish someone would let me get dirty every now and again. The next time I’m told I’m overqualified for an entry level position I might crawl into a foetal position there and then and cry myself into a coma. The job I want wants me to have more experience, the job I can get that experience in thinks I’m overqualified. The idea of returning to and hiding in academia for all eternity via a Ph.D. etc. scares the hell out of me, because I know how negatively the Masters and the P.G.Dip have harmed my employability.


Where’s Picard to tell me to just “Make It So” when I need him.


If anyone made it through this, I apologise for it’s lack of flow and overarching plot, it was indeed a rather inane ramble. I’m going to be posting thoughts on ethical and political topics as I see fit generally, but also Nerd centric social topics and of course the disasters I face personally.


 anon, anon